Monthly Archives: September 2009

After the Dust

The blackbirds returned this morning. I expect they are not done with me. Nor Emily.

#936, c. 1864

This Dust, and its Feature —
Accredited — Today —
Will in a second Future —
Cease to identify —

This Mind, and its measure —
A too minute Area
For its enlarged inspection’s
Comparison — appear —

This World, and its species
A too concluded show
For its absorbed Attention’s
Remotest scrutiny —

It’s Thursday. The god of the underworld pauses in his deliberations through a mountain of granite. We are being rained on constantly. Last night I listened to Obama trying to fix health care. Meanwhile people are dying because they can’t get the treatment they need. Because no one really wants to help.

We cling to this coat of flesh even as it turns to dust. The mind appears to have it all under control, even as it confronts the unknowable. The scramble for stuff on this plane seems so important in the moment, and then it all falls into nothing.

Today I am selling off a portion of my library. It was getting out of hand. I buy books faster than I can read them. Plus I still have books that I read when I was 12 years old. Either I had to buy more bookcases or prune back my collection. I realized as I went through the dusty shelves that so much of my library is there because it makes me feel more of who I am. And is that actually true? Or is that just an idea, a dusty idea, I hold onto in the absence of something else? Once I unclenched my grasp on these dusty books, it was relatively easy to let them go. Now I can’t wait to get rid of them. They are smothering me, all these pages. What are they there for really? I have loved them, and now it’s time to let them go.

It will be interesting to see what remains once the decks are emptied. My curiosity to see after the dust clears is stronger (right now) than the urge to hold on to things that at one time anchored an idea that might not be relevant any longer.

It’s a little exhilarating, and a little dangerous. In my tribe, getting rid of books is the closest thing to blasphemy there is. I like it. I’m going to do more of this.

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Nothing In The Sky

Pluto stations at almost zero degrees Capricorn, getting ready to make his turn to direct motion. This is the stillness between the inhale and the exhale.

#1383, c. 1876

Long Years apart — can make no
Breach a second cannot fill —
The absence of the Witch does not
Invalidate the spell —

The embers of a Thousand Years
Uncovered by the Hand
That fondled them when they were Fire
Will stir and understand —

Yesterday morning, I ran into a former friend, distant, absent. Completely non-existent, really. Maybe I invented him. The Incredible Disappearing Man. He was so startled he almost fell off his bike. Then I nearly caused a traffic accident by lurching into the intersection while the light was still red. I backed up. Horns honked, the man in the car behind me yelled. In all, a flustered few moments for everyone concerned.

Now this morning Emily sends me a reminder that the past isn’t dead. It’s not even past. I’m reading her poems, but she is eavesdropping on my life.

When the light turned green, and I continued driving, two large blackbirds squawked and flapped onto the grassy levee along the bayou next to me. Moira, a Scottish Witch and friend of mine, once told me that when crows fly across your path, there is magic afoot. Moira is correct in most things, but she lives on top of a mountain and almost never comes down into the realm of mundane events. She exists in perpetual sacred space. Her daily life progresses as a ritual, enveloped in a glow of magic. The crows love her. She scatters the remnants of her bagel for them each morning.

I relay this information because I had never noticed the blackbirds around me in the past. They may have been there all along, but I just wasn’t paying attention. So they effectively weren’t there because I didn’t see them. In the last few months, however, it has seemed as though they were following me. I couldn’t step out of my house without some damn noisy, obnoxious blackbird cawing overhead. Wherever I went with Lance on our morning walks, there they were, flapping their big wings and making a nuisance of themselves.

This morning . . . nothing. No blackbirds. Only quiet. The spell broken. A squirrel fell out of a tree (they’re so clumsy) but apart from that, nothing in the sky. The page turns. A new chapter opens.

I have no idea where the blackbirds went. They disappeared without saying anything. Gone back into the tesseract or the wormhole or wherever magical creatures come from. I’m so glad they’re gone. They were bothering me, those birds.

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No Day At the Beach

When Emily goes for a walk to the sea, this is no simple day at the beach.

#520, c. 1862

I started Early — Took my Dog —
And visited the Sea —
The Mermaids in the Basement
Came out to look at me —

And Frigates — in the Upper Floor
Extended Hempen Hands —
Presuming Me to be a Mouse —
Aground — upon the Sands —

But no Man moved Me — till the Tide
Went past my simple Shoe —
And past my Apron — and my Belt
And past my Bodice — too —

And made as He would eat me up —
As wholly as a Dew
Upon a Dandelion’s Sleeve —
And then — I started — too —

And He — He followed — close behind —
I felt His Silver Heel
Upon My Ankle — Then my Shoes
Would overflow with Pearl —

Until We met the Solid Town —
No One He seemed to know —
And bowing — with a Mighty look —
At me — The Sea withdrew —

First the mermaids emerge from her basement, these otherworldly, non-human creatures that live in her subconscious. Just looking. They have nothing to say. Neutral, silent, fantastical bottom-dwellers down there in the basement of her soul, come to the surface occasionally just to freak her out. Able swimmers, who may live either in air or water. Both fish and woman. Travelers between the realms. Translators between the species.

Then the sailboats in her attic. The wind-driven vessels of her upper mind. Dreams made of vapors, thoughts, ideas. These try to save her from her watery fate. Emily’s sharp and airy mind may want to make sense of the vast emotions that engulf her from time to time, but she doesn’t accept this help. Emily wants to drown.

So instead, she returns to her old lover, the sea who takes a slow inventory of her person from shoe to bodice. She is nearly overtaken and then . . . she reaches safety, solid ground. My goodness, we almost lost you there, Em. What would have happened to you? Something more than love, but less than what you thought? We’ll find out eventually because that “mighty look” is a promise. The sea will return. It always does. The tide comes in, goes out, and comes in again. On that we can rely.

I notice she has the influences arranged so that no man moved her until this tide came over her. She contains this ocean. These tides are her own. She properly identifies the source of this vast oceanic feeling as commencing within her rather than giving credit to someone else for “making” her feel this way. Or at least she knows she’s having a private relationship with an archetype first, not a man out there. Whatever it is that happens for her out there among humans, originates with her own nature. Smart girl, Emily.

Now here is the part I cherish the most in this poem. Her dog accompanies her on this foray into the oceanic chaos of feeling. Why? He is the guide or the touchstone, perhaps? That sturdy, warm, fur-covered fellow traveler, who doesn’t ask questions. Doesn’t demand anything. Accepts her completely, no matter what. Doesn’t care if she is good or smart or successful or pretty. Still her dog wants her and loves her. Hmm . . . how like a deity is Emily’s dog. Therefore, he is the perfect companion to take with her on this borderline dangerous engagement with the unknown realm of emotional tumult. With her dog as her co-pilot, Emily can go anywhere. His wordless presence beside her is all the proof she needs that she exists in a meaningful way, and that her life matters to someone. Her dog is the anchor that keeps her steady in knowing her life is worth saving, keeping and living. Emily is never lost in the chaos of being human as long as her dog stands with her.

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